I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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