Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
