Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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