he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
