No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I deserve this hangover.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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