sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
