Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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