My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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