I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
