Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
BRING THE BAGELS
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
