I cockslap morals
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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