Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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