Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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