You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize