My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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