I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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