when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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