im six kinds of drunk right now
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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