My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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