i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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