just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
