Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize