You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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