i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
