as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
