She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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