I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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