I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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