Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
