Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
even my farts smell like vagina
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
no you cant smoke seaweed
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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