i think my tv is drunk
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
40s are totally the cure
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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