Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
