I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
