Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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