Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
