90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
