So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
