You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
