he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
