I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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