I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
