meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize