You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize