Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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