so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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