I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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