Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
