i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
