Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
