I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
