im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
