Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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