Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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