he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
