I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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