you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
