You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
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