Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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