Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
