I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
