You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
