remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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