im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
