I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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