Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
