I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
