OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
